My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.