tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.