Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman