Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I want what they have
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.