Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
getting groceries
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum