I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
sry
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.