4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
You Might Also Like
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.