When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
What if the weather talks about us?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep