Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
That’s not how days work.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
They’re not wrong
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit