In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name