When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Support your local cemetery
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR