Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet