Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.