me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Only Americans understand
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I unironically love this joke.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*