Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
This was my dad’s browser history.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ok like just. call me at this point
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.