If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.