The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.