Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”