[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Good advice.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.