Miscakes
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
being a writer on Twitter:
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome