jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me too 😆
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.