My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
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I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.