[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Same post same
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.