I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
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excuse me
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Raisins are grape jerky.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
found this cool rock hiking today
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did