Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
What?!?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.