The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.