I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no