CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
They also CAN sing✌️
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
True freaking story!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please