shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I thought this was funny lol