Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now