“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
How to wake up a Beagle
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel