Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.