Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.