we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit