I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
You Might Also Like
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Can’t. About to go please some beans
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name