I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.