Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
gm
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”