*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Y’all know who you are.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.