LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”