Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Worst Native American name ever.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!