Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
only 11 steps left
The Onion called it…again.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful