18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Uh oh…
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.