[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.