I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.