ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer