Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one