Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Your honor these allegations are
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will