The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
do what now??
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.