Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.