at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
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If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Simple
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.